Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Dear Offspring,

As our relationship necessitated a number of changes in my life, I will fill you in on the things you should know about me.

1. I used to stay up past 8 or 9 with my friends. Yes, I had friends - lots of them!

2. Prior to the skin on my body becoming saggy and mimicking a road atlas in appearance, I was sexy, skinny, and looked great in all of my clothes which did NOT have food and stains all over them.

3. I used to get enough sleep.

4. You single handedly took me from swearing like a veteran sea-dog to someone who speaks in a singsong animated tone which is always rated for general audience!

5. Before I developed mom-nesia, a type of amnesia and memory disability brought on by pregnancy followed by lack of sleep, I was witty and clever. Ricky Gervais ain't got nothin' on former me.

6. A ponytail wasn't always the only hairstyle in my repertoire.

7. My car was awesome. I wasn't always a chauffeur in a clunky, ugly, turd on wheels. My doors swung open instead of sliding.

8. My boobs were formerly ornamental and perky.

9. If I could go back in time and change it all, I would leave everything the same. You are the love of my days. Every moment with you puts a smile on my face, and I would do anything for you except shorten your time-out. Sorry.

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